The Mad Star Trek Saga
So back in the day when Generations came out, Mad Magazine came out with this special issue dedicated to all things Star Trek. In it they included this huge poem called The Mad Star Trek Saga. Since getting back into this whole Star Trek kick, I've been thinking about it a lot and have tried to remember it. I googled like no one has googled before. Strangely no one was interested in this enough to actually put it online. Now that I'm home and have hunted down that magazine, I feel the need to type it out, just in case there is anyone else out there who is dorky enough to want to read it.
Yes, I know that I am indeed a big loser. Alas.
The Mad Star Trek Saga
Twas nearly thirty years ago beyond our earthly skies
That viewers first were beamed aboard the starship Enterprise;
They took us through the heavens where no man had gone before
Pre-orbiting George Lucas by a good ten years or more.
The man in charge was Captain Kirk who pulled off every mission
With aid from Scotty down below and Bones the ship's physician,
Though viewers quickly realized that of all those spaced-out crewmen,
The one who stole the show had pointed ears and was half-human.
With phasers drawn they challenged any foe the show might bring on,
Outwitting all aggressors whether Romulan or Klingon;
But though they conquered tyrants and, when necessary, slew them,
They couldn't beat the ratings - even Gomer Pyle outdrew them.
"You're grounded!" cried the network as it canceled future shows,
But once in syndication, a great clamoring arose
From countless Marvins, Eds and Phils, Sheilas, Kates and Beckys -
An army of fanatics proud to bear the name of Trekkies.
And sure enough, the faithful soon let out a joyous roar;
Star Trek - the Motion Picture brought their heroes back once more;
Alas, their pleasure turned to woe when the movie critics snorted,
"Before they launched it on the screen it should have been aborted."
Unfazed, the crew returned again to face The Wrath of Khan,
Which proved a poor career move for Ricardo Montalban;
Spock wound up dead or so it seemed, we never quite found out;
As for the hokey flick itself, its death was not in doubt.
In Star Trek III, the crew set out to bring back Spock alive;
They knew that if they failed there'd be no sequels IV or V;
Spock came to life, but, strange to say, his memory was shot,
Which probably was just as well considering the plot.
In Star Trek IV, the galaxy was in a dreadful fix,
Which sent the space-boys warping back to 1986;
To save the world, the Enterprise now carried whales as freight;
Small wonder that the flick itself collapsed of its own weight.
Came Star Trek V, and through another mission would they plod,
This time to find the creature who would claim that he was God;
But Kirk unmasked the phony, for he knew they'd all been gypped;
No real God would have shown His face if He had read the script.
By Star Trek VI, the paunchy crew was clearly past its prime,
And though they were triumphant they were fighting Father Time;
Exhausted, they pressed on as middle age they vainly fought,
And even Trekkies wondered, "What hath Roddenberry wrought?"
But, lo, another Star Trek, aired to satisfy their hunger -
A second incarnation, with its crewmen trim and younger,
Though fans brought up on Spock and Kirk would sometimes find it hard
To redirect their loyalty to Riker and Picard.
We knew, of course, Picard and Kirk could not meet face to face,
For this would surely violate the laws of time and space;
But Star Trek always gets around such silly limitations,
As shown in this, the seventh flick, that's titled,
GENERATIONS!
Behold the brand new Enterprise, the Federation's pride;
Old Kirk, no longer in command, shows up for one last ride;
When suddenly, in outer space, the mighty ship starts shaking;
It's Red Alert, which tells us that a plot is in the making.
"There's quantum interference causing warp-out!" Scotty yells,
"A force glitch from a cosmic flux distorting our nacelles!"
He worries when a great explosion blows the lower deck off
That this could be the final film for him as well as Checkov.
Though Kirk attempts to save the day, he's filled with apprehension,
For if the ship's destroyed, he might as well kiss off his pension;
He vanishes without a trace; we know he can't survive;
Oh, yeah? This here is Star Trek - 10 to 1 he's still alive.
With Kirk somewhere in Neverland, across the years we zip;
What's this? Picard's the captain of an old-time sailing ship;
This costly scene does nothing for the storyline, but shucks,
With mobs of paying Trekkies, whats an extra million bucks?
See Data, packed with circuitry and stead as a rock;
Who serves a vital function as a poor excuse for Spock;
Now thanks to his emotion chip, his banter will regale ya;
(He's hoping come next sequel he's equipped with genitalia.)
Soran, a half-crazed scientist shows up to start a war;
But this can't be! He first appeared some eighty years before!
Picard is filled with sadness, he's depressed and feeling hollow;
How can he do his duty when the plot he cannot follow?
A Klingon ship's attacking, and the spit has hit the fan;
Two sisters lead the onslaught, each more fearsome than Roseanne;
They lash out with a fury, seeking utter domination -
Or what we've come to know on Earth as Women's Liberation.
Soran escapes the Enterprise; he'd pay most any price
To get back to the Nexus, where there's total paradise -
A place of sheer contentment where all troubles are behind you,
Where baseball's still a pastime and the IRS can't find you;
A land where telemarketers can't reach you on the phone,
Where OJ's something that you drink and zitzes are unknown;
A world that's free of Flinstones and bad rappers you can't bear,
Where no one's name is Tito, and Geraldo's off the air.
Picard gets to the Nexus where his fondest dreams come true;
Amazingly he has a wife and several children too;
Though filled with joy to see the splendid family that he's getting,
One kid resembles Riker, which he finds a bit upsetting.
Picard meets up with Captain Kirk, who's also on the Nexus;
We know this can't be possible, but why should that perplex us?
When Spock once died, then came to life, it clearly made no sense,
Except in Star Trek, where such feats are natural events.
Kirk's shot up bad, and now we fear his great career is done,
Unless somehow he's gotten through to Rescue 911;
The torch is passed - Picard survives to fight another day,
Although he kind of wishes Kirk had loaned him his toupee.
Who knows what future Star Trek flicks await us down the line;
Will Worf and Sulu join up with the crew of Deep Space 9?
Will Odo wed Uhura? Will the Tribbles rise again?
Don't sweat it - we'll find out in sequels VIII and IX and X!
Oy vey.
Yes, I know that I am indeed a big loser. Alas.
The Mad Star Trek Saga
Twas nearly thirty years ago beyond our earthly skies
That viewers first were beamed aboard the starship Enterprise;
They took us through the heavens where no man had gone before
Pre-orbiting George Lucas by a good ten years or more.
The man in charge was Captain Kirk who pulled off every mission
With aid from Scotty down below and Bones the ship's physician,
Though viewers quickly realized that of all those spaced-out crewmen,
The one who stole the show had pointed ears and was half-human.
With phasers drawn they challenged any foe the show might bring on,
Outwitting all aggressors whether Romulan or Klingon;
But though they conquered tyrants and, when necessary, slew them,
They couldn't beat the ratings - even Gomer Pyle outdrew them.
"You're grounded!" cried the network as it canceled future shows,
But once in syndication, a great clamoring arose
From countless Marvins, Eds and Phils, Sheilas, Kates and Beckys -
An army of fanatics proud to bear the name of Trekkies.
And sure enough, the faithful soon let out a joyous roar;
Star Trek - the Motion Picture brought their heroes back once more;
Alas, their pleasure turned to woe when the movie critics snorted,
"Before they launched it on the screen it should have been aborted."
Unfazed, the crew returned again to face The Wrath of Khan,
Which proved a poor career move for Ricardo Montalban;
Spock wound up dead or so it seemed, we never quite found out;
As for the hokey flick itself, its death was not in doubt.
In Star Trek III, the crew set out to bring back Spock alive;
They knew that if they failed there'd be no sequels IV or V;
Spock came to life, but, strange to say, his memory was shot,
Which probably was just as well considering the plot.
In Star Trek IV, the galaxy was in a dreadful fix,
Which sent the space-boys warping back to 1986;
To save the world, the Enterprise now carried whales as freight;
Small wonder that the flick itself collapsed of its own weight.
Came Star Trek V, and through another mission would they plod,
This time to find the creature who would claim that he was God;
But Kirk unmasked the phony, for he knew they'd all been gypped;
No real God would have shown His face if He had read the script.
By Star Trek VI, the paunchy crew was clearly past its prime,
And though they were triumphant they were fighting Father Time;
Exhausted, they pressed on as middle age they vainly fought,
And even Trekkies wondered, "What hath Roddenberry wrought?"
But, lo, another Star Trek, aired to satisfy their hunger -
A second incarnation, with its crewmen trim and younger,
Though fans brought up on Spock and Kirk would sometimes find it hard
To redirect their loyalty to Riker and Picard.
We knew, of course, Picard and Kirk could not meet face to face,
For this would surely violate the laws of time and space;
But Star Trek always gets around such silly limitations,
As shown in this, the seventh flick, that's titled,
GENERATIONS!
Behold the brand new Enterprise, the Federation's pride;
Old Kirk, no longer in command, shows up for one last ride;
When suddenly, in outer space, the mighty ship starts shaking;
It's Red Alert, which tells us that a plot is in the making.
"There's quantum interference causing warp-out!" Scotty yells,
"A force glitch from a cosmic flux distorting our nacelles!"
He worries when a great explosion blows the lower deck off
That this could be the final film for him as well as Checkov.
Though Kirk attempts to save the day, he's filled with apprehension,
For if the ship's destroyed, he might as well kiss off his pension;
He vanishes without a trace; we know he can't survive;
Oh, yeah? This here is Star Trek - 10 to 1 he's still alive.
With Kirk somewhere in Neverland, across the years we zip;
What's this? Picard's the captain of an old-time sailing ship;
This costly scene does nothing for the storyline, but shucks,
With mobs of paying Trekkies, whats an extra million bucks?
See Data, packed with circuitry and stead as a rock;
Who serves a vital function as a poor excuse for Spock;
Now thanks to his emotion chip, his banter will regale ya;
(He's hoping come next sequel he's equipped with genitalia.)
Soran, a half-crazed scientist shows up to start a war;
But this can't be! He first appeared some eighty years before!
Picard is filled with sadness, he's depressed and feeling hollow;
How can he do his duty when the plot he cannot follow?
A Klingon ship's attacking, and the spit has hit the fan;
Two sisters lead the onslaught, each more fearsome than Roseanne;
They lash out with a fury, seeking utter domination -
Or what we've come to know on Earth as Women's Liberation.
Soran escapes the Enterprise; he'd pay most any price
To get back to the Nexus, where there's total paradise -
A place of sheer contentment where all troubles are behind you,
Where baseball's still a pastime and the IRS can't find you;
A land where telemarketers can't reach you on the phone,
Where OJ's something that you drink and zitzes are unknown;
A world that's free of Flinstones and bad rappers you can't bear,
Where no one's name is Tito, and Geraldo's off the air.
Picard gets to the Nexus where his fondest dreams come true;
Amazingly he has a wife and several children too;
Though filled with joy to see the splendid family that he's getting,
One kid resembles Riker, which he finds a bit upsetting.
Picard meets up with Captain Kirk, who's also on the Nexus;
We know this can't be possible, but why should that perplex us?
When Spock once died, then came to life, it clearly made no sense,
Except in Star Trek, where such feats are natural events.
Kirk's shot up bad, and now we fear his great career is done,
Unless somehow he's gotten through to Rescue 911;
The torch is passed - Picard survives to fight another day,
Although he kind of wishes Kirk had loaned him his toupee.
Who knows what future Star Trek flicks await us down the line;
Will Worf and Sulu join up with the crew of Deep Space 9?
Will Odo wed Uhura? Will the Tribbles rise again?
Don't sweat it - we'll find out in sequels VIII and IX and X!
Oy vey.
posted by Rachel | 1:14 PM
|
3 comments
